Lonely And Alone
Lonely And Alone
While I going through photo research images the flood of memories washed over me. Pain that was remarkably vivid and clear struck me. I was six and in first grade. My mother had me do my writing assignment over and over. In the end, she tore up my work and said it wasn’t good enough and told me to go to school without the assignment. Fear, disappointment, embarrassment, shame, humiliation, and failure gripped me through the night. How could I face my teacher without the assignment I had worked on so hard but unable to hand to her?
No one was going to stand with me to explain what happened. Shame disabled me. Rather than face my teacher, I chose to run away. I packed a yellow pig-skin bag with my clothes and toothbrush. Then after my sister went to the school bus stop I slipped downstairs, picked up my bag and started walking. I made it to a small hotel and asked them about a hotel room. Six years old. They said I could use a room to freshen up. I went and sat in the room. I had no plan, no money, no ideas just shame.
When I came out of the room a police officer greeted me and took me back home. He encouraged me that nothing was so bad that it couldn’t be solved. My parents were horrified that I was brought home by the police at age six. But there was no solution, just more shame. Shame I brought on them, shame I held deep within. So alone and then the walls of shame and aloneness began to climb. I had often prayed to God. I loved and feared Him but knew I would never be good enough to be loved by Him. I was trapped by the two crippling emotions of being very alone and full of shame. This stayed with me into my early twenties. Thinking I was escaping this time I ran to a bad marriage that brought me to a new city.
After a few months a neighbor invited me to a bible study. Out of boredom I chose to attend. The study was fascinating by bringing to life the Bible in ways I had never heard. There was background and insight given that showed me God was interested in a relationship with me. As the weeks passed I came to understand that God wanted to wash away my shame with His love and forgiveness. He wanted to replace my loneliness with an intimate, deep and abiding relationship; Father to daughter, Savior to a sinner. I was 22 at the time that I accepted God’s love and forgiveness and Jesus as my savior.A few years later I repeated my impulse to run away because of shame. This time from God. I was going through a divorce leaving a violently abusive husband. I was ashamed that I couldn’t stand in the midst of the abuse. A woman that led the Bible Study that I was going through came to my door one morning and handed me an envelope with the exact amount of cash I needed to pay for the attorney. I told her I could never take the money from her knowing I would use it for divorce. She said God put the amount on her heart and it wasn’t a concern for her in what I would do with the money. But she would drive me to the attorney if I would like her to go with me. She explained that God does not approve of abuse. He doesn’t call His children to live in abuse. I was grateful, but I had already weeks before on my knees told God I was so sorry but I couldn’t live in the abuse any longer so I walked away from God. I pictured Jesus standing there listening to my prayer. Jesus did NOT say, “Stop…don’t leave me. It’s ok. I’ll be with you.”
There were just tears that ran down His cheeks. I have never known the darkness and despair I felt during the next few months apart from Him. There was no hope in my heart only shame and aloneness again; darker than it had ever been before.
But God in His love, mercy, and grace didn’t leave me there. He kept putting things in my path to bring me back to Him. He even used an agnostic counselor in a treatment center to bring me home to my Heavenly Father. I remember in treatment saying to God, “If You can forgive me for walking away when I knew You then I will never turn away again. I will serve you the rest of my life.” He did forgive. I was twenty-four years old at the time. That was 40 years ago. I have never turned away again.
I finally stopped running. My sin was not in divorce. It was in not believing that God would walk through the divorce with me. He wanted to bring healing to my heart and restoration to my soul. My Heavenly Father was like the father in Luke 15: 11-32. He was waiting at the end of the driveway looking earnestly to see me coming. When He saw me down the road, He ran to me, grasped me with all of His Love and said, Welcome home, my dearest child. You are my beloved and I have wanted to carry you through the pain but you wanted to do it alone. I could not stop you but I watched and waited with great anticipation for you just to look this way so I could hold you close to my heart. I wanted you to know that I loved you more than you could imagine and I had already paid the ransom for your heart.
Life since then has not always been easy for sure but I have left shame and aloneness long behind. I have always felt God’s love and presence in my life since that day. Sometimes He is quiet but I always know He is there loving me and continuing to forgive, heal, comfort, and strengthen me every single day.
Can you stop running just for a moment and turn toward your Heavenly Father now and know that He is running toward you with open arms to love, forgive, and heal your heart?
