In The Midst Of Grief
In The Midst of Grief
Back sitting in the middle of my birds, squirrels, and deer, I find myself considering pain in the nation, community, close circles of friends, or family. I considered my qualifications to even have an opinion or position on the topic of grief. I’m not a psychologist or sociologist. I’m not educated by an academic school in the field of grief. I am however well acquainted with grieving people and the process of grieving.
Whether the grief came from the actions of others, my own choices, or life. Grief and I have been well acquainted. I have found for myself or those I have spent time with the only way to get through with a peace greater than I or anyone could ever imagine: is God.
When considering tragedy, violence, accidents, physical decline, life challenges, business losses, family challenges, or personal choices. There is a grief that follows. It is a hard place without question but there is healing in the midst of grief if we allow God to be in the center of our grieving.
Some parts of grief and pain I understand. I’ve been there. Other parts, like losing a child I have not nor could I pretend to understand or know the whirlwind of emotions one goes through. What I do know is that even in that place there is healing in grief if we allow God into that place as well.
Whether we are grieving the loss of a family member to death, divorce, or the person they once were there is pain and a sense of inability to control the outcome. Losing a job, a dream of what life would or hoped to be like or the fracture of our own reality of a life known but shattered by an accident or illness; this completely alters our functionality and mobility. Dreams that are crushed are all circumstances in which grief plays a part of living.
I have a friend I love who is “up in age” as it were. In his youth, he was strong and confident, sure of himself. He was known by many as a successful person and regarded as generous with charities he and his wife supported. But time and injuries have assaulted his body. And grief sets in for both he and his wife. The one who once knew control of many things sees control of some of the simplest things slipping out of his hand. His wife has her own grief as she watches the man she once knew; one she was dependent on become the one dependent. Grieving the loss of what once was known but has passed for both.
My husband and I sat with friends for lunch. As the conversation covered memories of times gone by with laughter and fondness the question came; “how is your mom?”. Tears came. We all have known that this incredible lady who loved so well had Alzheimer’s or dementia. Today however the tears were about the mom he can see but has lost her to a disease which destroys the memories of years gone by.
He was grieving as he and my husband enjoyed sharing stories. His daughter and her family purchased the family house, so the legacy goes on with memories of days gone by and new ones being created. “She’s happy where’s she’s at” and that is peaceful but small consolation to a man and his family who were so close to this generously loving mom and grandmother.
Just to set the record … this sweet lady was a hoot and her love knew no bounds. She could make you laugh with just a smile or a touch of her hand. If you met her you fell in love with her. She was just that kind of a woman. She and God are tight as peas in a pod and it shows they say even with the loss of any memories.
They say there are at least five stages to grief: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance. These are the top five. When we bring God into the middle of our grief, for me, I have found that the stages are still there, but we are not alone as we go through them.
Years ago I had lost a husband to heart disease. He had 9 heart attacks in 6 years. The loss seems to have been incremental starting with the first. Marvin was a happy soul most of our marriage but grief… By about the seventh heart attack he was in the angry section of grief. Angry at everything and everyone.
One morning I walked into the room where he was sitting and I said,” We get your angry about the toll the heart attacks have taken. But the legacy you leave is yours. I can’t choose it for you only you can determine that. We get that one day you will die. But you can either leave us with nuggets of wisdom that when you are gone we can use in our lives or you can leave us with the memory of your anger. The choice is yours.
A sidetrack for a moment.
I got in the car to go speak to a group of chronic caregivers right after that confrontation. A little voice inside of me said: “so what will your legacy be?” I almost pulled the car over on that question.
It has been my proverbial “Plumb Line” ever since. Did I want to be known for: how to work a lot, be a great mother, daughter to Granny? Those were good. But no, I wanted my legacy to be that I knew God and His love and that those that saw me could see His love for them.
Grief was real for both of us. But there was the God factor. Marvin decided he wanted a different legacy than the anger. He had sewn God’s love, grace, and joy into hundreds of lives that struggled with addiction. He did that for us too. He was a man who loved God and those God put in his path. That is the legacy he chose. He brought God into the middle of his grief. His funeral was a testament to that.
Life does happen and with it there comes loss. But the one thing I know is that when I invite God into the middle of my pain He provides grace, wisdom, comfort, and peace in ways I would not have imagined. One of His ways was to bring me in contact with someone who was going through their own grieving. Somehow, someway it was in giving to the other comfort and love that I found peace in my hard place.
Matthew tells us what Jesus said:
The Beatitudes
“He said:
“Blessed are the poor in spirit,
for theirs is the kingdom of heaven.
Blessed are those who mourn,
for they will be comforted.”
Matthew 5:3-4 New International Version (NIV)
There are no easy answers to grief. Each of us grieves differently. But I know this: when God is brought into the middle of the pain, He provides a way to heal, a way to reach out to comfort others, and in turn we find comfort. He brings peace to the hardest places were guilt, shame, pain, and loss melt in the presence of God’s grace and love.
Today can you take a breath, and even just in a whisper ask God into your grief?